Leaving Sons

It’s been an interesting past few weeks, to say the least. I have definitely found myself longing for vacation, and at the same time not looking forward to the changes that are going to happen come the end of July.

My roommate is leaving. She’s going back to the UK to go back to school; she got in to her dream Ph.D. program with a full ride. I’m so proud of her. But the apartment will feel empty without her. Less tea will be made. Less Britishisms will be bestowed upon me.

On the business front, it’s going to be weird having 2 new people working in the Board of Education to be the overlords/advisors of all things Saitama. I grew quite fond of the two who are leaving, but their time on JET is up. I’m going to miss them and their guidance.

When I think about it, this whole counting-down-the-days business really reminds me of the end of high school, and the end of my study abroad program. Change is weird. Big changes are really weird. I know, I know, I’m not at all verbose (As an aside, I’m fairly certain living here and using so much simple English on a daily basis has regressed my vocabulary. I don’t think I’m nearly as eloquent as I used to be).

The fact of the matter is, since The Guy and my roommate and so many other JET Program participants I know are handing in their visas and going home this year, I feel the musty, sweaty breath of Time breathing down my own neck as well.

When I came to Japan 2 years ago, I had a very concrete idea of what I thought was supposed to happen-what I expected was going to happen. I was going to stay on JET for 3 years and hopefully be married or at least planning my wedding by now. I didn’t know what I was going to do once my 3 years had passed, but I figured I would be alright being a homemaker for a bit while working on improving myself and cultivating hobbies.

However, that wasn’t to be. I’m obviously seeing a new guy, and while I don’t know if I necessarily want to make a permanent return to the United States anytime soon, I now know for a fact that I don’t want to stay in Japan forever. Luckily, the guy and I seem to be on the same page about this.

It still doesn’t answer the bigger question of what the next plan is. I have no idea! And seeing people around me leaving, going home, moving on to new things, it makes me feel terribly inadequate that I haven’t found my niche yet. JET has been a wonderful, amazing experience, but it’s not a line of work I want to do forever. I’m sure my parents or some wise, sage folks in my life would point out that knowing what you DON’T want to do is just as helpful. They have a point, although it’s still very intimidating to consider that I have 13 months to get my life in order.

A lot of life changes happened within the first 6 months of being back in Japan, and having double that amount of time hypothetically should mean I will be ok. In the meantime, however, I’m distracting myself with all sorts of things!

My fellow Californian Kira-kira and I are going to be taking over as leaders of the Saitama AJET organization. Basically we work to connect our local group of JET participants with each other, with other JETs, and keep them informed of new changes and going ons of the program. The Guy was actually the previous leader of Saitama’s AJET; his enthusiasm is contagious and lord knows I am a meticulous planner and highly organized.

I’m also working out travel plans since I’ve been flooded with “OhmygodIonlyhaveayearleftwheredoIwanttogo?!” anxiety.

I’ve been doing training to become a volunteer for JETs.

I’ve been doing heaps of non-fiction reading, taking pleasure in learning new things and trying to see issues from different viewpoints.

I’m hoping to continue my Japanese study in the fall with a language and pedagogy course (allowing that I pass the test required to take the course).

And I signed up to be a volunteer for this summer’s Saitama Orientation. I’m looking forward to being a Mama Duck again and hopefully helping out some of the new arrivals in any way possible.

Next time I will try not to have a generic post. This one sort of ran away with me. I promise to stay on task!

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live

Once again I find myself neglecting this blog.

Since I was AWOL all of May, let me give you the quick rehash of what happened that month:

Beware the sand crabs!

Oh my Happa!

Work got incredibly busy. I made exams and had lessons shooting out of my ears. My friend and old-coworker came to visit me from LA during a week-long span of national holidays, appropriately named Golden Week. Too bad it rained nearly the whole time she was here so it was more like a Silver Week. Or Nickel Week. There was beer festivals and baking days and nail appointments galore, and I even pulled an all-nighter in Tokyo in honor of my friend’s going away celebration. I haven’t done that in 3 years (not counting working the graveyard shift) and it was surprisingly fun!

And now, I sit here halfway through June and wonder where the heck my life has gone (and going, but that’s a completely different philosophical question)! People are getting ready to go back home. The higher ups are preparing for new arrivals. I cannot believe that a year ago I was sitting poolside in Palm Desert, thinking about the grand adventure that awaited me, full of excitement and worry and anxiety and hope and….Wow.

So much has changed. So much is the same.

The end of winter and the spring were rough and full of personal growth for me-for many reasons. I feel more confident as a teacher, less confident about what I want to do with my life, more hopeful for a future full of adventure, less hopeful that I will ever be able to translate these experiences into marketable skills for a U.S. based job, more confident about who I am as a person, less confident about who I am in relation to others. It’s a breadbasket of emotions and I just take it a day at a time.

It’s strange though, the way I feel now, this very minute. I used to think that my time at Waseda was my crowning achievement, and that I would never know any happiness greater than those 10 months I spent in Japan; I thought my life had peaked. For a long time, it held first place.

But now, oh the present is much more interesting. In spite of the stress, the tears, the anger, the frustration, the wrenching, mind-numbing heartbreak handed to me the past year, there have been moments of laughing so hard I’ve cried, scenes and views that have taken my breath away, friends who have showered me with warmth and kindness and held my hand when I couldn’t go forward, food that has melted in my mouth, drinks that have refreshed and rejuvenated, and absolutely unforgettable experiences that give me more optimism than I usually have (Maybe one day I CAN become proficient at folding gyoza!).

It’s been a year of deep shadows and brilliant highlights. It’s been a passionate year.

In the end, I think that’s what’s most important anyway- passion. I thought I’d lost it after Waseda, but it was just waiting for me to set aside everything and take another look.